


Drizzle

by arcanebf



Series: It's Just an Email [7]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Love Simon AU, M/M, Matteo POV, Music, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 04:19:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18771073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: Something about them both made him feel like he could actually break the surface of the water. Matteo had spent the last hour of his life, pouring over what it could mean. Adam thought he had seen him, thought he had encountered him, which had to mean that David was Adam. Matteo had only spoken to one other person the whole day and that was David.





	Drizzle

**FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 18 at 19:43

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Breathtaking

 

_Hey Adam,_

_I think that entanglement thing is happening… I don’t want to like, jump to conclusions but I talked with a boy today who made me feel like I was floating. Like I could breathe. I don’t know what any of this means but I’m… I don’t know, I just have a feeling._

_I’m not pushing though, this is still… But a feeling nonetheless, that something might be there we’re both not seeing?_

_How are you doing though? You said you were anxious and had mixed emotions and… Are you okay? Can I do anything?_

_Warmly, Luigi_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJTaP6anOU_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJTaP6anOU)

  


Matteo pressed send on the email, unsure of how he was feeling. Yesterday he felt like he was going to die, now he was giddy and nervous. His stomach was full of butterflies, he felt like he knew who Adam was. The email made his mind wander, he wanted to believe so badly that Adam was who he thought he was. Adam could be David, it would make so much sense if Adam was David. He was strong, mysterious, and looked like he held the universe of the world inside of him. Matteo wanted to know everything he could about David, he wanted to get closer to him, get closer to Adam. Something about them both made him feel like he could actually break the surface of the water. Matteo had spent the last hour of his life, pouring over what it could mean. Adam thought he had seen him, thought he had encountered him, which had to mean that David was Adam. Matteo had only spoken to one other person the whole day and that was _David._

But there was also the possibility that it was someone completely different, that Matteo was just being hopefully. He thought he had connected the dots, but he didn’t really connect anything. If anything, Adam had met a boy that _wasn’t_ Matteo. He had met someone that made him _think_ that he might’ve been Matteo but that meant nothing. He laid back in his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to map out the feelings in his head. With every email from Adam, Matteo’s heart rate spiked, with every kind word he felt like he was closer to the surface, with every drawing Matteo could tell he was floating closer to the surface. He wasn’t falling in love, he was being filled with it. Now, it wasn’t just water that filled his lungs, it was that _hope_. It was the oxygen, it was… Love.

Matteo was falling in love with Adam with every email. He had never cared so much about a person before, not in this way. He wanted to comfort him, he understood him, Matteo knew Adam, even if he didn’t know who he was.

The wild thing, Matteo knew how crazy it sounded. It was ridiculous, how could he be in love with someone if he didn’t really know who they were? Adam could be anyone, he could be Turtleneck Boy, he could be David, even Carlos. Matteo pushed the idea out of his mind, not wanting even entertain the idea that Carlos might be Adam. He could have been literally anyone but there was only person that Matteo even wanted Adam to be, because how beautiful would it be if the boy was David? The boy he knew absolutely nothing about was the one that Matteo was dumping his heart and soul too. Maybe it was someone else though, Matteo knew that wouldn’t change how he felt about Adam, but there was something about David that made him actually hope it could be him. The boys had said Turtleneck Boy had been caught in the supply closet recently, so maybe it was possible that it was him.

But that would also mean that while Matteo was lamenting and pining, Adam didn’t really care. Matteo was just someone to talk too, while he felt completely different. Matteo didn’t want it to be Turtleneck Boy because if it was him, he was pining after someone who didn’t care, and he had already done that once before. He was in love with someone who had no idea who Matteo was, and he had no idea who Adam could be either.

There was a knock on his door that pulled him out of his thoughts, before he could say ‘come in’, Hans was inside his room and sitting across from him on his bed. He had a bottle of water and a sandwich on a plate. Matteo shut his laptop quickly and shoved it away from him, hoping Hans wouldn’t ask. Maybe he’d just think Matteo had been watching porn. He would have preferred that.

“Jonas said you didn’t eat today,” he said as he handed them off to Matteo, who just took them gingerly. Matteo set the sandwich on his side table, leaning back against the block triangle. He opened the bottle though as Hans gave him a very stern look. He wasn’t his dad, as far as Matteo was concerned he didn’t have a dad anymore. But Hans did make a suitable parental adjacent figure for him. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay.” Matteo shrugged, his eyes flicking back to his laptop. He wanted to see if Adam had replied yet, his phone was dead so he wouldn’t get the notification either. It had died right after he read the email and he didn’t have the motivation to plug it into charge for some reason.

“Do you need to talk about anything?”

“Uh…” Matteo sunk into himself just a bit, avoiding Hans’ gaze. He didn’t want him to push but he felt like he was going to burst. He needed to talk to someone about Adam, tell them how he was feeling and what was going through his head. And Hans was probably the only person who could understand, who he could really trust to talk about this. “Maybe.”

"Okay.” Hans didn’t push, it was like he could tell that Matteo needed the space to get there on his own.

“You know the school gossip blog?”

“Yes.”

“I made a post on it. Anonymously.” He took a deep breath and covered his face with his hands, it felt like it was enough of a barrier between him and Hans. He couldn’t bear to feel his friends gaze on him, expecting the words. He wasn’t pushing but Matteo had already started, there was no going back now. “About my… Feelings. And someone reached out. I’ve been talking to the person a lot over email.”

“A boy?” There was a very slight tone of excitement in Hans’ voice, it would have gone unnoticed if Matteo’s brain wasn’t going a mile a minute trying to understand everything he was feeling. Matteo felt like he had been punched in the gut, did Hans already know? How did Hans already know? Was he that obvious? Could everyone tell that Matteo wasn’t into girls?

“It could be a girl!” Matteo exclaimed, finally looking up at Hans which just earned him another look, though this was a ‘do you want to lie to me?’ sort of look. One that he knew he couldn’t lie to even if he tried, even if he had _wanted_ to lie, he couldn’t anymore. “Okay, okay, it’s a boy. I… Hans, he makes me feel like I’m not drowning. I don’t know who he is, we just use different names than our own and he makes me feel like I’m understood, like he knows me despite the fact that we don’t _know_ who the other actually is. And I understand him. We’ve been emailing for… A while now, a couple weeks.” Every word that left Matteo’s lips was slow and purposeful, like he didn’t want to say the wrong thing. This was the first time he had ever spoken about Adam outloud, he didn’t want to screw it up. Hans let him take his time too, not butting in with questions which he was grateful for. “I think… Okay, I know. I know I’m,” and he halted, needing to take a deep breath. He had never said any of this outside of his head, it was difficult for him. “I’m gay. Which is fine. I don’t understand everything about it, and I… I feel like there’s a lot I need to learn. I just don’t want it to be a big deal though because I’m still _me_. But I think… I’m… Hans, I think I’m in love with him. And that is a big deal.”

It was silent for a while in the room, Matteo didn’t keep his gaze on Hans for long but he looked like he was processing everything that Matteo had said to him. “Wow, Matteo.” There was a smile on his face, it was gentle and kind, “that’s… Really amazing. I’m really happy for you.” There was another pause. Matteo could feel the air caught in his lungs, he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to know what else Hans had to say. “Do you need anything? Like, how can I help?”

“I need advice, I guess. About what I should do.” There was some reprieve, thankfully. He was worried Hans was going to question him more, about who Adam really was and if this was real and if he was sure he could trust Adam. He didn’t want to answer those questions because he couldn’t, he just knew what he felt.  

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to be with him, but I don’t want to lose him. I’m afraid that if I ask to meet him, I might lose him.”

“Well,” Hans reached out, gingerly taking Matteo’s hand in his own. He flinched slightly but didn’t pull away from the touch. Hans fingers traced over the bruises that had formed on his knuckles after the other day, but didn’t question him. He just held Matteo’s hand. It felt grounding in a strange way. “Don’t push him. And don’t push yourself, Matteo. I know how hard it is. Don’t let anyone take this from you, this is a beautiful thing that you have. And if anyone tries to take this from you, just let me know, and I’ll kill them.” Matteo raised a brow at the seriousness in Hans’ voice. “You’ve got Hans in your corner, butterfly, okay?”

“Should I tell my mom?”

“How do you think she would take it?”

“I’m… Not sure. She’s… She’s a mess, but she started antidepressants. I think she’s getting better.”

“Our parents take time to grow just like we do, my mom used to only want to see Straight Hans. But, now she’s started watching Ru Paul, which is a step.” Hans gave Matteo’s hand a gentle squeeze, a reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

He just nodded in response, swallowing hard. Matteo took his hand back and shakily reached for his laptop. “I uh… He sends me music, I send him music too.” He opened it, playing the most recent song that Adam had sent, letting the soft melody float through his room. As they sat there quietly, letting the music wash over them, there was a weight that lifted from Matteo’s body. Something that pushed him up, lifted him. He felt warm and light and… Relieved. Not entirely, he didn’t think he would ever feel pure, genuine joy but god, he felt better. The song stopped and his laptop _pinged!_ Hans raised a brow at Matteo and he felt his cheeks start to burn.

“I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thanks, Hans.”

“Of course,” Hans got up to leave but stopped, turning around, pointing a finger at Matteo. “Now that we have this established, you can always come to me for advice and help. Say I’m your gay guru.”

Matteo rolled his eyes, “you’re my gay guru.”

“Enjoy yourself, butterfly.”

Matteo laughed as Hans left his room. He leaned forward on his legs, opening the email, curious to see what Adam had said now.

  


**FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 18 at 19:56

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Breathtaking

 

_Hey Luigi,_

_I think you may be right. I can’t explain it either but… Maybe there’s something._

_I’m… I could be a lot better honestly. I got into an argument with a teacher at school and I got so angry and hurt. I want to live a normal life but so many people make it so hard. I’m just trying so hard to be_ me _and so many people don’t want to see that._

_Maybe someday it can change._

_I don’t think there’s anything you can do right now. My heart says ‘hang out with, Luigi, he’ll make you feel better’ but I don’t think that’s the best for my head. I think I’m going to listen to our music though. Could you send me some more?_

_Warmly, Adam_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgQCLh9lQ1Y_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgQCLh9lQ1Y)

  


**FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 18 at 20:09

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Breathtaking

 

_Hey Adam,_

_I know that we’re not ready to know who the other is yet, and that’s completely fine. I don’t know… I mean, I feel ready but that could be my heart running miles ahead of my mind._

_But you can talk anything out with me, I want to help. Even if we can’t hang out in person, we can still talk like this. And you’ve let me babble on about things that don’t matter, so… Just talk to me about what’s on your mind. If you want of course._

_Warmly, Luigi_

_P.S. I listen to this when I need to mellow out:_ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWPafG8wEvc_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWPafG8wEvc)

_Just wanted to send more earthgang:_ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHIN2JRSMuU_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHIN2JRSMuU)

_This just makes me think of you:_ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jjase8-PQ_w_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jjase8-PQ_w)

  


**FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 18 at 20:20

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Breathtaking

 

_Hi Luigi,_

_Thank you, I really appreciate it. And you don’t babble about things that don’t matter, if it’s enough to bother you than it matters._

_I’m glad you understand. I guess I’m not ready because I haven’t… Been honest fully about myself, and I’m not ready to be honest about that. I don’t think you would hate me, or react how others have, but I know that I’m not ready yet, especially after what happened at school._

_I have a lot of anger that I don’t like to address. I don’t want to acknowledge it because it feels like I’m going back on all the work I’ve done for myself, to make myself be the person I want to be. Being honest and open is so terrible and hard, why do we always have to come out of the closet but cishet people don’t? Why do we always have to announce to the world who we are when they just get to be accepted right away?_

_It’s more rhetorical, I guess. I know why. They’re the default. Coming out shouldn’t be a big deal. There shouldn’t even be a default._

_Warmly, Adam_

_P.S. Thank you so much._

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuSM_AmN41o_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuSM_AmN41o)

[ **Image Attached:** A figure crouched on the ground with its hands shoved in the ground in front of it. There was dirt surrounding it and vines growing up the figures arms.]

  


Matteo clicked the link for the song, taking slow and deliberate breaths as he listened to the lyrics intently. He had realized not too long ago that every song Adam sent him had meaning within the lyrics. The song finished and he restarted it, over and over and over again for an hour or so, Matteo just played the song on loop, trying to process what it meant. He stared at the picture, wondering if it had any correlation to the song and the email. He wasn’t smart, he didn’t get poetry or music or art in any way. Adam’s drawings were always beautiful, but Matteo knew there was a deeper meaning that he didn’t realize was there. He sighed and fell back into his bed.

Adam was right, there shouldn't be a default. That’s exactly how Matteo had felt when he had initially made the post, he just didn’t have the words to explain it. Being gay wasn’t a big deal. There was so much else to worry about in the world, so why did his sexuality have to be some big thing? What mattered more was the fact that he was in love, he had even told Hans that was the thing that was really bothering him now. Matteo still struggled to say it outloud, the word felt foreign in his mouth, but no more foreign than any other time Matteo spoke any semblance of truth about himself.

There was something about Adam that made him want to be a better version of himself. He had problems, he needed help, he knew that. Matteo struggled in school, he struggled feeling like a person, he struggled to make himself better, but Adam made Matteo actually believe that he could be.

It was all baby steps, it was a slow process, he had learned that from their emails. Everything took time, he shouldn’t rush anything, but he could take the first step. Matteo knew that if he took this step that things would get better, he would try his hardest to make them better. Not only for Adam but for himself too. He reached for his phone, thumb hovering over the chat for Jonas. He took a deep breath, holding it as he clicked and typed out his message.   


**Matteo**   
_hey_

 

 **Jonas**   
_what’s up bro_

 

 **Matteo**   
_are you free tomorrow?_

 

 **Jonas** **  
** _yeah, you wanna hang out?_

 

 **Matteo  
** _mhm  
_ _wanna tell you something_

 

 **Jonas** _  
_ _Oh???_

 

 **Matteo**   
_it’s not a big deal i swear_ _  
_ _but i’ve been wanting to tell you for a while so_

 

 **Jonas**   
_alright sounds good.  
_ _see you tomorrow, luigi :)_

 

Matteo let the breath he had been holding out and pulled his pillow over his face. He was going to do this, and it wasn’t going to be a big deal. Adam was right. Coming out shouldn’t be a big deal, there shouldn’t be a default.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't have much to say this time around other than the scene with his mom today made my heart warm and i'm happy for matteo having the chance to see his mom, there were so many layers to it and i'm in love <3
> 
> i hope y'all enjoyed this part ! i had a lot of fun writing it and i'm really enjoying your responses. let me know what you think as always <3  
> tumblr is @filmictrans :)


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